​

      10.28.2017   

​

   I am perpetually mercurial blue. I am ripe with optimism under a wet blanket of sadness. Being alone is all I've been striving for but I failed to define what a healthy time frame of being alone is—again. I'm listening to a lot of KMD and/or MF Doom. A lot of 2Pac and Odd Future. A lot of Queens of the Stone Age and Death From Above. A lot of Justice. Royal Blood, Thundercat, Forest Swords. A lot of a lot of things. I just turned twenty-five a week or two ago and once again I'm upset with so many aspects of myself.

 

   Too many days and nights in a row I have played OSRS farming Fire Giants. There is a canvas to the right of me and another, smaller canvas staring back at me in-between my monitor and keyboard. One of the best functions of this game is the amount of multi-tasking you can accomplish while playing. I wish I had a cannon. I am DFA1992 if you want to look me up. Another unknown number is the days I have spent reading about Francis Bacon and watching videos of people ooze appreciation for him and his work. I haven't painted in about eighteen months at this point. God fucking damn am I ever getting bored of drawing—again. I hate how often this craving to use another medium occurs. Let's absolutely ditch the little traction I have for a style and start somewhere oblivious.

​

   Pitching names to paintings and drawings that are too poorly conceived to make public is my worst habit. The feeling worsens when the name is wasted on a synth track because I know myself enough that I'm never going to release any of these proper "songs" publicly anyway. Hey Jesse, you really are comfortable using your voice in videos but God Forbid you distort your voice to the Nines and put it quietly over some music that no one will listen to anyway. "Cool, there goes another good working title." is a thought I have often. At least I like the way RIPPER came out on synth, the name is too simple for a drawing or painting. It's probably 4:30AM and that's just the way she goes. I'll go to bed in a few hours. I love my brain. Sometimes. My deck that revolves around regurgitating Sengir Autocrat's is gaining a lot of traction lately. I'm not going to hot yoga as much as I should.

 

   Yearly, I am still so upset about my dad dying. Why does this burden pile up closer to his death date every year no matter how many times I tell myself the feeling will come and go without schedule. I'm smoking a lot of weed lately, which is such a laughable understatement. I have a miniscule level of alcohol content coursing through me daily, either from some neglected/recklessly homemade kombucha or sips of rosé. Very small. Honestly, no exaggeration. I don't know the hour or minute but, obviously and eventually, a few days and nights go by within the detail of past paragraphs of being enthralled by Head VI and getting some paint on the canvas. I am really so grateful that my job let me work part time. I love my apartment. Hey Turnip.

 

   There is a period before and after this where my first action of the day would be to grab a sharpie and write NO MORE on my left arm. I have battled bad habits and I wore the ink as a reminder throughout the day. If I happened to crack during the day, I would write it on my arm again. If you're looking for a method to correct behavior, this really helped me out.

 

   Obliteration is merely a word I love and wanted to use for a piece. Physically and/or mentally and/or emotionally, they are all captured here. I don't care if this piece has three titles. I'm too pissed to give a shit. I. Don't. Give. A. Shit. About. Baseball.

 

   Mind Funeral is was a bunch of things. My favourite Magic card at the time. A title I had wanted to apply to a piece more than anything. The name I used for my Etsy shop in conjunction with the username jessesanders.art before I rebranded everything to XAXABEL. I learned to hate marketing two different names so I settled on the one you know today, a name I had written down for ages that was initially tested as my FFXIV character, Xaxa Bel. I liked the sound of it so much that it became my new universal name on the internet. I should probably have this on record somewhere, but it's pronounced [ zah-zuh-bel ], not to be confused with the character portrayed in my drawing ALL WE NEED IS SEX & WI-FI who goes by the name ZaZaBel. Same pronunciation. Fun facts, maybe.

 

   I do really love this image and (in case it wasn't obvious) I really do love Bacon's artworks. His imagery is emotionally berserk and his story is easily one of the most captivating lives I've ever learned about. His style is the apex of terror for me. It is agony and it is beautiful. It's one of those things that I can't believe we can view whenever we want for free on the internet.

 

   My original is far lighter than the proposed image. I used photoshop to hammer and/or finesse the shadows and mid-tones. This painting was completed on October 28, 2017, on 12X12 in. canvas, mostly by applying acrylic paint and scraping it with edges of a small piece of wood, or occasionally using a fan brush. The amount of intrigue and appreciation I have been on the receiving end of regarding this painting has been fucking staggering. It's in my Big 4. I love you all so much. If you are reading this, thank you so god damn much.

 

I don't know what I'm doing but I'm having fun doing it.

 

One of my favourite songs is Friend, You Will Never Learn by Forest Swords.

One of my favourite MTG cards is and always has been Ashnod's Altar.

​